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I'm close to 30, and I'm not where I always thought I would be. I'm working all the time, but have little to show for it.
All my life I've done things people expect of me. Just like the society norm. I am what I feel I must be. I don't do things
for myself anymore, or even for people I even know very often. I feel like I'm trapped. My job won't allow for time to take
schooling to get a better job, a job more suited to me. I can't afford to quit my job. It's a vicious circle.
I
feel like a cornered animal sometimes, needing to lash out at anyone who comes near. I want so much sometimes to just yell
out " Fuck everyone!!!" There are times I hate people, not indiviually, but on a whole. Not always either, just
sometimes. I would do about anything to help another person, but I can never see myself asking for help. I feel this need
to tell society I don't care about rules and ethics. I just want to do what I want to do sometimes. There doesn't seem to
be time for that.
You know, I once was prepared for the seminary. I planned on being a priest, I felt as if that
was where I belonged, to help my fellow man. In time I came to realize that the idea of church and clergy being there for
the people was as corrupt as everything else. I heard one day, a priest tell his secretary that he could not go to the hospital
to see a dying parishioner because it was his day off, and he left. That left me feeling broken, defeated.
I'm lost
in a world that I fear is already dead, or dying. I can't help but ask what it's all about, or worse, is it about anything?
Will I continue on being a cook until I die, or do I have some kind of mythical destiny awaiting. Am I failing in life because
priesthood was my calling, and nothing will work for me until I return to it? Perhaps I saw things that were wrong to guide
me right, but instead sent me away. Or maybe we are really standing here alone. Nothing more than a cosmic by-product.
I once thought about the human soul, and asked the question, if it truly is the energy that powers the body, and after
I die, it continues on, then isn't it pretty much like a battery? If your flashlight dies and you take the battery out and
put it in your alarmclock, it will power the clock, but does any part of the flashlight travel with the battery? No. So what's
to say that when we die, we continue on. All that's left is the memory of the people around you, and the legacy you leave
behind. Right now, I fear I'll be forgotten in less than 5 years.
Just a thought, and not a great letter, but it's
there.
-Keith-
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